I’m gonna live to be 100 dammit

#BUILTFORDTOUGH – inauguration edition**
Like I say…I can’t make this sh*t up

(THIS IS LOONNNNGGGGG)
~
It is on!!!

Dad is eating breakfast. I am looking for the bunny on the cover of Playboy (yeah…I do this every month…with my Dad).

We hear movement and music in my parent’s bedroom. No big deal, nothing too loud. BUT, then I hear louder music and my Mom is counting. Hmm…I get up to see what is going on.

I go into their room and my Mom is in FULL WORK OUT GEAR doing standing toe touches followed by leg lifts to her elbows. (Imagine Jane Fonda in the 80’s). I am standing in the doorway…somewhat afraid to interrupt her. I wait until she finishes. She turns around and is looking at me like “what?” And….

ME:  So…exercising this morning?

Mom:  Yup…gotta get in better shape.

ME:  You don’t wanna go to the gym?

Mom:  Oh…I am going there too…but I am starting NOW.

Me:  Ok…but why here in your room? (WHY DID I ASK THAT???)

Mom:  Humpf…Regan I have lived a GOOOD life and I’ll be DAMNED if my life is going to be finalized celebrating a foolish vulgarian.

Me:  OOOOhhh…K..(I turn around like I am going to leave)

Mom:  Where are YOU going??  YOU asked…I am gonna talk.  Sh*t…my first and onlies far outnumber my last and lonelies.  I’ve jumped out of a third-floor window and had no broken bones, escaped a pissed off crocodile in South Africa before Mandela was president and while traveling as an “honorary white person”.

Me:  (My eyes are WIDE OPEN…I already know all of this stuff. SHE IS PISSED and is talking FAST and FOCUSED. Really…she isn’t even talking TO me or really looking AT me…she is talking to the energy around her.)

Mom:  I’ve been arrested.  Jailed overnight.  I was a member of the Presidential Clemency Board.  I have protested and ended up in jail with hookers.  I have dined with two Presidents of our country AND with several from other countries.

Me:  (I am SCARED TO SAY A WORD)

Mom:  Did you know that I was asked was I sure I should be in college??

Me:  (I don’t know if I should answer or not. I shake my head ummm yeah…)

Mom:  Uh huh….and I gave the commencement address -twice-at that same college later on.

Me:  (I AIN’T GONNA ATTEMPT TO LEAVE)

Mom:  I was told I couldn’t be elected dog catcher at a confirmation hearing.  LOL…but I’ve been confirmed by the US senate — three times.  I have been married — to the same dude — 50 years and counting.  Sh*t…I thought that would be my ULTIMATE success.

Daddy:  (Yelling from the dining room)  What’s going on back there??

Me:  (I am NOT going to interrupt her)

Mom:  Aunt Mit lived to be 102 and Aunt Mamie lived to be 104.  I GOT WORK TO DO!!!.  Ain’t NO WAY I’m going outta here with that fool as President.  I am determined to do all I can to make it to 100!!  My latter year experiences will NOT include living in the Land of Make Believe headed by an Emperor who knows he has no clothes, doesn’t care, and gets mad when you don’t believe him and then responds with his 149-character vocabulary!!!!!

Mom: (Now panting and looks me STRAIGHT IN THE EYE) Turns around and starts her next set of toe touches and leg lifts. 1..2…3…4…

Me:  (Yells to Dad in the Dining Room)  Mom is working IT OUT!!!

#RockyThemeMusic

**Since I couldn’t remember all that my Mom said, I had to go back and talk to her to get the full scope once she calmed down LOL ***

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